Sunday, September 20, 2009

Camping Off The 299



Just as all available light is beginning to slowly disappear, I pull into one of those state owned, put money in the slot with site number on it, there's a host at the entrance type of camp sites. I didn't realize you could pay by check so I paid with a $10 bill and eight quarters (talk about desperate).  I look over at the host site and see a full on family sized army style tent my family used to have but I can barely remember. There is stuff sprawled all around, including a portable shower, lots of water jugs and a jeep at the edge but no sign of anyone around. It looks like the set of a movie, just put there to convince you someone is around but no one actually lives there. I take a quick look around and see 1 or 2 trailers in the distance, again, no sign of life in them either. I pick up literature warning me about bears, walk back to the car and check my cell phone, zero bars, I am officially off the map. Nobody knows where I am and I have no cell reception, in today's terms, I don't exist. Being half way through a 200 mile stretch of hilly, heavily forested highway, I don't know why I would expect to have reception.

I walk back to the car and before doing anything, open one of the big bottles of beers I got from Anderson Valley. I was looking forward to this beer, partially because I had never had it, partially because it had been a long day, and partially because I needed to calm my nerves. I quickly pitch the tent in complete darkness as there is no ambient light under the thick canopy of trees and lack of moon. When I finish pitching the tent, I throw all my things in it and finish my beer. I hear ruffling noises from behind the tent and quickly flash my mag light in the direction of the noise, darting it back and forth while mentally planning out what I would do if the sound were a bear, noting which car doors were open and which would have best access to the drivers seat as my bike was in the back. I still hadn't decided whether I would drive off into the night or just sit still and wait for it to leave, imagining a scene from a show like Family Matters where I wake up in the morning to the sun light and birds chirping with my flashlight clutched to my chest like a warriors axe, nothing disturbed outside or in. By the time I start thinking of whether I would be sober enough to actually drive (a big beer drank quickly on an empty stomach), I realize my day/night dreaming has gotten too far off track and I need to get back to reality. I realized a few minutes later that the noises I heard earlier were actually my thermarest inflating and moving against the sides of the tent. 

 I put the car lights on to illuminate the picnic table, crack open the second bottle of beer and start planning for dinner. As I rummage around for my cooking knife, a.k.a. my leatherman, I realize I don't have any way of starting my camping stove. I am annoyed but don't try to problem solve as I realize cooking means bugs, small animals, and possibly bears as well as dishes and trash to properly take care of. I can't leave anything out because of the bears and then the picture of my dad, shirtless, pretending to be a bear in front of the bear locker at Yosemite YEARS ago keeps popping into my head.



I decide to forget the whole thing, I tear into the package of baked, marinated tofu with my teeth and eat that along with some peanut butter pretzels my neighbor Karen had given me before I left. I sat down in the drivers seat and wrote in my journal and finished my beer. I hoped this extra time would help make me tired/drunk/worry less about the possibilities of bears or wandering axe murderers. I was also hoping the extra time would allow me to get all the beer out of my system and not have to get up in the middle of the night to pee. As I started to write in the journal, I see a light in my side mirror. For a minute I got a little scared but then realized that if a psycho killer with half a hockey mask, hunched back, and rusty axe were trying to kill me, he wouldn't carry a a flashlight (I need to stop watching movie trailers). After this realization, I stepped out the car to greet the host. He greeted me with a short "Howdy" as he wrote down my car's info and when I probed him a little with some questions, he stopped me dead in my tracks with 1 syllable answers. Looks like he got the perfect placement for campsites judging by his people skills.

A minute later, a car passed by the entrance and went to one of the trailers in the distance, that took some weight off my shoulders immediately. It's interesting at how much of an imagination I have of the worst case scenarios, especially considering I generally steer clear of horror movies. When I was younger, I could only watch Are You Afraid Of The Dark when they started showing it during the day.

As I was more comfortable and started to relax, I started to notice all of the stars I could see through the trees and decided to take some photos. Since it was my first night camping, I thought I would take some photos of me with my tent. I triggered the flash 4 time total. After the 2nd flash, I heard a grunt, though I did not think anything of it. After the 3rd flash, I think I heard someone say "STOP" though I didn't figure out what it was until the end when I processed everything. After the 4th picture (fortunately it was a good one), I hear someone yell "KNOCK IT OFF!!!!" After a short pause it was followed by a trailing off "Fucking city moron..."

Now it's been a while since I used my outdoorsman speak, but I am pretty sure that translates to: "Welcome!!!!" and "Have a nice night..."

3 comments:

  1. Hahahaha!!! That's an awesome picture, by the way. Oh, and the one of the stars is alright too. ;)

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  2. oh man. freaken CITY MORON! I've had someone yell that at me while camping too. But being a gangster city folk, I also yelled back. I'm glad you made it out alive.. but how awesome would it be to say that you were attacked by a bear and made it off alive after you gave him the ugly doll.? then he went off and made the ugly doll his baby. awww, how precious! keep these posts comin!!

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  3. hahah. great read man! keep it up. btw, i'm the same, i could only watch AYAOTD during the day.

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